Demon-goat-cat-vomit, or The best movie of '09?

Editor's Note: B flat

My veins pumped blood to my extremities, like they did every day, as I saw Drag Me To Hell. After watching the film on this particular day, however, all of the blood in my body was pumped straight to the shaft of my penis. This is when the doctors tell me that I blacked out. They say that when I came to I was yelling about an assistant manager’s position.

This review (WITH SPOILERS) is late to the presses. Even as the days are crossed off the calendar, long after Bastille Day's passing, my tongue still dances with delight when I hear the words "drag”, “me”, “to”, and “Hell" in the same sentence. Since the premier of “Drag”, it has been nothing but endless media exposure and tribute murders across the continental U.S.

American cinema’s crowning achievement of the year thus far is heaven on film. I would literally lube up the cylinder core of the reel and have sex with it if it was possible. If this all seems like it is too good to be true - if you think that this movie has nothing on “Up”, or “Bruno” – let me come at you like this. Here we go.

This hot lead actress pisses off this witch lady and gets a curse put on her by the crazy old hag. Then the Lamia (the most feared of all demons, duh) torments her for three days. Dude, when I get dragged to hell, I want to train to be a demon. Demons are fucking badass and the Lamia was no exception. He totally fucks with this chick for three days and does badass terrible shit that would make you fart, poop, pee, and sneeze all at the same time while vomiting up a kitten.

So, yeah, demons and hot chicks…pretty good so far, huh? It gets better. I don’t want to ruin it for you but there are fucking talking goats and shit - this movie is ridiculous. There are crazy awesome audio effects that are in your face the whole movie. Sam Rami spared no expense on CGI and digital editing to ensure this film would be so brutally sweet that the gross-out factor would be pushed to the limit. There's a firehose-strength nose bleed and an arm down someone's throat. The gypsy witch loses her dentures and slobbers on the heroine's face. Someone vomits a kitten. SOMEONE VOMITS A KITTEN. (You’re reading that right.) Someone else gets attacked by an evil handkerchief. This movie is horror/comedy brilliance and deserves the spotlight.

It doesn’t mean jack that the film is rated PG-13 and was done by a major studio. It doesn’t detract from the fact that

1. The hot chick gets dragged to hell. No happy ending.
2. Talking goat.
3. SOMEONE VOMITS A KITTEN.
4. Demons rule.
   
   

If you’ve seen the movie and you disagree with this review you suck and I’ll sick my goat-demons on you. You'll be riding shotgun with the Lamia on the one-way street to Hell, bud.

ÜBER-ÜPDATE!!! now with ümlauts!!!!!!!!

if Ü made it past the title Ü can probably assüme wüt this üpdate is about.

ES MUSS SEIN BRÜNO!!!

ü are correct. let me begin by saying we laughed our ässes öff watching this mövie. that's right and i dont give any fücks about it being "less funny than borat". fück that shit.

Brüno is to homophobia as Borat was to xenophobia and both movies have no qualms exploiting the shit out of it for our shock and amusement. or "shock and awe" according to operation iraqi freedom. or "BLITZKRIEG!!!" according to the third reich (more relevant....?).

And while some may scoff at this over-the-top approach, i feel it is merely a sign of the times. We have a billion-dollar franchise of mainstream torture porn but freak the fuck out if some guy consentually gets his dick sucked by a vacuum cleaner???? WHEN DID WE START HATING LOVE???

And why condemn "shock" cinema anyways it has been there since the begining of the motion picture. Legendary badass and Jersey boy Tommy Edison invented "shock" and mean literally and figuratively. and this was in the early 1900's. DONT BELIEVE ME?!? check this shit.

HA HA HA HA HA HA suck it. and watch Brüno already.

My "UP" critique awaits, I know (It was really fucking good...) but I don't feel I can properly review it at this time and my comrades have done a good job of it so far.

In the meantime I must mention that one of my childhood favorites (one which may require a box of tissues while watching) is coming up on the list. Along with my purchase of the entire first season of "Pete & Pete" today (that's right) I snagged a copy of "Milo & Otis", and I can't wait to fucking watch it.


Both purchased on the last day of business of CD World in Eatontown (RIP).

Fuck Transworld

- H.M.

uppers

UP! wowzers that shit was in 3-fukin-d. Cotton candy and beer make a heavenly combination. The Simpsons were dead. I wish that my house would float. Talking dogs are awesome. Watch out for snipes! Pixar seems to have perfected there methods to a point of flawlessness. Beer so good. From start to finish the movie was a pleasure to view. The content of the plot seemed rather heavy for the target audience. Including certain aspects of life such as death, depression, and lack of humanity in our society. Mr.pibb floats are fukin amazing.goggles haha.......

The old man goes up.
Blossoming spirit dies.
This death to a new life.

-Kyle